Watching "House"

Watching "House"

...and it occurs to me that I have been doing meaningless jobs for six years, and I am shut off from the higher "levels of happiness."

So, am I off to drink beer (I like beer-- beer tastes good) and play pool (i can win against others) because that is the only happiness left?

Or, is it because while doing both, I forget, for a while, that there is no longer a "next level?"

For six years, I have no longer woken to greet the day with a sense of duty, that others will be helped if I can manage the responsibility. It really, truly, means nothing to anyone else if I get up in the morning-- and it hardly means anything to me.

A huge part of my mood (depressed) and behavior (hyper-vigilant as well as always ready to take to task any abusive person) is, of course, largely due to having lost my children in the case of the first; and, I am only now realizing, having no purpose in my daily life in the case of the second.

I take on gang-bangers, belligerent drunks (four!), a spouse abuser of a former co-worker I hardly know, a police officer bullying the homeless (that one really got me in trouble!) and anyone else that offends my sense of justice-- it is exciting, it is meaningful in the moment. i am reminded of "fear not," "the problems of tomorrow are sufficient unto themselves," and "he who values his life will lose it."

Is this holiness to be so broken?

But there is also the self-destructive component, in that I have no fear-- against all odds, not because I am brave (and I am to a degree), but have so long believed that I do not matter, that fear is no longer a response to danger.

I can't remember what it is to be afraid-- but I know what it is to be offended and ready for battle because I live life that way now.

And Peter Toon prays, "In a little while..."

Copyright © 2009 W. Crews Giles